The Courage to Be Disliked: 5 Keys to True Freedom and Happiness
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Strict use of scripts:“The Transformative Power of Rejecting Societal Expectations to Embrace True Freedom and Happiness The first type is the courage to accept the past. When we are hurt by someone we care about, we feel pain and anger. We often believe that our pain is a result of the harm caused by others and that since the past cannot be changed, suffering is inevitable. But Adler doesn’t see it that way; he advocates for teleology. He argues that it’s not the past that causes our pain, but the current purpose we attach to it. We fear being hurt again and want the other person to remember and cherish us, so we use our suffering to make them feel guilty, and we gain courage through anger. The book explains that it’s not the past that makes us suffer, but we ourselves. Our experiences don’t determine us; rather, the meaning we assign to those experiences does. So, if we have the courage to break free from the past, we will have the courage to be happy. The second type is the courage to accept yourself. The book says that all worries stem from interpersonal relationships, especially our fear of being disliked. Because we fear rejection, we focus only on our shortcomings and overlook our strengths, which leads to feelings of inferiority. This inferiority complex is what we call low self-esteem. Some people, in response, strive to find their value, using their inferiority as a catalyst for growth. However, those who can’t accept themselves allow this inferiority to evolve into a pathological inferiority complex. For example, Xiao Ming is particularly short and always feels inferior, so he remains silent in social settings. His underlying intention is, "I’m short and pitiful, so I should be treated with special care." When a person constantly displays loneliness, self-pity, arrogance, or superiority, they are using their misfortune as a weapon, which means they will always need misfortune. The book states that a healthy sense of inferiority isn’t about comparing oneself to others but to the ideal version of oneself. Differences between people, such as gender, appearance, and knowledge, do not indicate good or bad, superior or inferior. We should view these differences positively. For instance, although Xiao Ming is short, he also possesses greater friendliness than others. While we can't change objective facts, we can alter our subjective interpretations, as we all live in our own subjective worlds. The third type is the courage to accept others. As long as there is competition in interpersonal relationships, comparison will occur, and feelings of inferiority will arise. When we realize there’s no need to win against others, we can break free from the cycle of competition, no longer obsessed with being right or wrong, and the fear of losing vanishes. We become capable of genuinely blessing others and contributing to their happiness. The relationship shifts from one of competition to one of partnership. When we see everyone as our partner, we stop viewing the world as a dangerous place and no longer live in suspicion. The world becomes a safe and comfortable environment. The fourth type is the courage to be disliked. Freedom means no longer seeking approval. If we crave others' approval too much, we end up living according to their expectations, handing over our freedom. Why do we care so much about others’ opinions? It’s because we haven’t learned the concept of task separation. What is task separation? Simply put, whoever bears the consequences of an issue should own the task. For example, trusting your partner is your task; how they handle that trust is theirs. Treating your partner sincerely is your task; how they respond to your sincerity is theirs. When facing any decision, ask yourself, "Whose task is this?" By separating your tasks from others’, and not interfering with theirs or allowing them to interfere with yours, your relationships will undergo a massive transformation, which is also the first step toward happiness. The fifth type is the courage to contribute. All problems stem from relationships, and conversely, the source of happiness also lies within them. When we see others as partners, we find our place within the relationship. From this place, we can make our contributions and feel our worth. And it’s only when we feel our value that we gain courage. This type of partnership is referred to as "community" in the book. Each of us belongs to many communities, large and small—family, friends, colleagues, and even society. We don’t need to worry too much about any single relationship breaking down, because living in constant fear of broken relationships is an extremely unfree way to live. If we lack value in one community, we can resolutely leave and join another. By shifting our attachment to ourselves into concern for others—encouraging, helping, without pandering or controlling—we can develop a sense of community, feel valued, and increase our courage, happiness, and sense of contribution. This is the definition of happiness. When these five types of courage come together, they form a courage to embrace ordinariness, and grant the power to live in the present moment. The book says that life is not a continuous line but a series of connected dots, a series of present moments. The biggest lie in life is detachment from the present, being entangled in the past and focused on the future. Finally, I’ll conclude today’s reading with a quote from the book: "True freedom lies in moving forward without fearing being disliked, in going against the current rather than drifting with it." ” Title Usage:“The Courage to Be Disliked®: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life, and Achieve Real Happiness·Global Sold 35,000,000 Copies” Content in English. Title in English.Bilingual English-Chinese subtitles. This is a comprehensive summary of the book Using Hollywood production values and cinematic style. Music is soft. Characters are portrayed as European and American
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